On the Romantic Search for Love

A Chinese Buddhist friend recently posted on Facebook: “The most terrible afflictions are loneliness and the feeling of being unloved. And afflictions cause Karma!” While I can sympathize, this pursuit of love is much like the search for God or enlightenment — misguided. Ramana Maharshi said, “There is no greater mystery than this: Being Reality ourselves, we seek to gain Reality.”

This applies to love as well. Our minds shape our reality, and our happiness and sorrow are products of our thinking. To avoid sorrow, we must first understand how our mind creates it. Similarly, Eckhart Tolle reminds us, “Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you.” Ram Dass echoes this with, “We are love.” How can we search for something that is already our essence? The search for external love stems from the false belief that we are incomplete without it.

The idea of “finding love” is often fueled by romantic ideals, but this notion can mislead us. It implies that love exists outside ourselves, awaiting discovery. However, those seeking love often suffer from low self-esteem, believing their happiness depends on others. While love is essential, the key lies in recognizing that love begins within.

I learned about the importance of self-love when I read Erich Fromm’s book, The Art of Loving. Fromm told us that self-love is not…