The Secret to Lasting Coupledom?

There is an old Chinese saying: “Honor each other as if honoring guests(相敬如賓).” This is used to describe exemplary couples. It emphasizes the importance of respect between husband and wife. It is much easier said than done.

It is relatively easy for two people to enjoy each other’s company as lovers who meet on an “as needed” basis. But living together over an extended period of time is quite another matter. When we live together with someone, it is easy to take the other person for granted. Habituation takes its toll. In addition, close proximity often means daily friction. One downside of proximity is that we get to know each other’s faults and weaknesses. Such knowledge may lead to contempt. Very often, one’s spouse is also one’s constant critic, one with definite “inside information.” Even if the partners have no major personality flaws, they are likely to have different preferences. Several months ago, I had a casual talk with a colleague — a fellow teacher — who does substitute teaching once a week so that she can “get away from the house.” She and her husband are both retired. They have spent some 40 years together as a married couple. They have children and grandchildren together. Even in that situation, living together is not exactly easy. According to my teacher friend, sometimes the conflict is about how one hangs a towel in the bathroom. Retired couples may spend an inordinate amount of time together in the house. It makes sense to seek a reprieve from each other for mental health purpose.